I am ...opening

a new place

2006-03-17T05:16:00.000-08:00

hey , u know i ve wanted to write so many things in the past few weeks , but i didnt , coz i thaught this place was no longer the right one.. also my hard disk kinda formatted itself ..
it's very intressting how Allah helps u to get over sth u couldnt do it by urself with sth so simple like this , this place is really close to me , but it's key will have to go to the momeory box and i guess i m getting a new one..
in bref , now i can finally say it's really over ..totaly , no more traces, just some memories, am sure i wont forget but they _somehow_ left the vip room to the "oh yeah that happend be4 " room.. i feel so sorry i ever met you, goodbye

bothering

2006-01-13T07:47:00.000-08:00

it's wierd how angry i get when i hear ur name or catch any of ur news , it's wierd bec i thaught that when i get over you , you' ll just mean nothing and when i hear your name it will be like me watching the insider..
i wonder about sth , why do u keep on talking to my sister ??? this is really stupid , u think that u can be friends and just forget all the rest?? i thaught u were smarter than that ...
but you know what , what i think doesnt really matter , bec i once thaught u wouldnt hurt me ...

trouble

2005-12-23T08:57:00.000-08:00

this is wrong , stop comin after me and causing trouble , it is over , nothing u do makes things better , it's not that i m upset and i need u to apologize , i am out of that area already..
just plz , some good memories are left , dont destroy them too , dont waist your time and feelings , what r u gonna get out of this ? nothing but pain believe me .. and not just for me , i dont wanna think you r doing this out of revenge , it is so hard just thinking about it ..and for u to know , dont think that my sister would pick u and leave me you dint know her as much as i do, and one final thing , grow up and learn ur lesson, dont repeat ur mistakes, the results wont be diffrent that lasttime u made the same stupid action..
God ..i hate this , ur causing trouble to me, i regert i didnt make u feel guilty about all those wounds u caused already..
I dont want anything from you , just leave me alone , i hope i wont have to say this again , yet i know i m gonna say it over and over till u find urself a new toy ,or to be honest till ur mum picks you one, not bec u dont do what i m telling u , it's bec i m too good to say it in ur face...

no title

2005-12-18T16:28:00.000-08:00

i wish he never sees what i wrote here , bec that would hurt his feelings and i don wanna do this , not bec i still have feelings for him , it's just that i don wanna feel guilty again bec of him , i removed everything that shows my id, but i m not sure if it is archieved on the internet or not , i just hope he doesnt look for them , but if u ever get to see what i wrote here , i m sorry , i felt bad and i needed to talk , i didnt want to tell this to somebody bec i dont want to talk about you this way , i m hurt and this is the only reaction i can take

obvious

2005-12-16T14:44:00.000-08:00

well .. longtime not seen .. we broke up off course .. it so obvious , after the last article he aplogosied , we came back , 2 days and then he humilited me again , i knew he was rude , from teh 1stday .. but when he botherd me the 1sttime, he said sth horrible that hurt me alot , so after he said i wont do this again i thaught .. u know wt , he already said everything that i was afraid sb may ever say to me , he cant hurt me anymore coz he reached the higest level .. he didnt mean to off course , so i can forgive him , but i was wrong..
he had this power off finding every weak point in me and hurting it , so bad that after each word i feel i m not the same anymore, to avoid those stupid details , i finally decided to go away , and this time without explaining or even saying goodbye, bec i wasnt able to , i had lost all my power of forgiveness..
i wasnt surprised that i didnt drop a tear , had no regret .. to be franck i was a bit surprised , i didnt know that he changed my feelings towards him that much , had a hard week , but didnt need to think twice about removing his number and deleteing his messages , getting him out of my life totaly and forever this time,
he didnt leave an empty space, and that is a bit wierd bec i found out that he was taking other things' places , maybe he never had one , or at least when he was a friend he had one but he lost it ..
i dont feel he deserves me writing about him , but i wanna get it all out
the things i really hated about him , that was the way he sees me , talks about me .... felt toward me , he wanted me , as if i was something , not a person .. he look down to me , i wanted to spend my life with somebody who loves who i am , he didnt , he said " i love you , but.." u know , i love you but i m gonna change you completly into somebody else , what kind of love is that? how comes you love me and u want me to become sb else? u love that somebody else , not me
bad days and they are over .. the good things is that i m stronger now , 1sttime i took the dessision to break up i lost 20 pounds or sth (in the hard way )..2nd time i spent weeks crying , this time it was like ending a phone call..

hard

2005-11-14T15:25:00.001-08:00

i think the hardest thing here is being "ME"
i wish i could blame my self less on everything that happend to me or to people around me
i wish he didnt treat me like trash , i feel so low, i know i blame myslef but nomatter how bad i am i dont deserve this ..
no matter how bad the person is u dont just punish him like this..
there was a time when everybody thuaght i was really strong i thaught so too
but day after , i learned my lesson.. in the hard way
in brief.. it's so hard to be me ,
and the harder is knowing that i ll be stuck with me forever..

hard

2005-11-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

none

2005-11-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

God .. i feel so broken inside , i never felt like that before.. it's really hard to hold the tears, i don know how to describe the way it feels , but the best expression is.. BRoken
i dont think i can go on after feeling like this
it's gonna come anyways , i feel it coming and i see it comin
am not afraid of it's results anymore , bec am already broken ..so there's nothing to save ,
not even dignity ..

History

2005-10-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

he left .. they were talking
she thaught they had everything
she wasnt stupid , she knew they didnt have the stars in their hands
but she thuaght they didnt need it...
she doest know if they should blame each others
but i know she 's balming herself,
blaming life for putting him in her way from the 1st place ..
blaming him for taking her heart that way ...
but this is not taking them anywhere
now it's a history
but not to be told to the others ...

A Question !!

2005-10-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

I wonder about somthing , how can u ever be sure this is the one for you? do u depend on your heart or mind ..or both ? and what if they dont agree together ? or do u always realise it , when u cant realise anything after that ..

INCOMPLETE

2005-10-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is
Incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby my baby it's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake
I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is
Incomplete
I don't meant to drag it on
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)
I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is
Incomplete

opened :S

2005-10-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

wish she kept it all inside ,she thuaght talkin makes people feel better , but it doesnt..

only added another negative feeling to the "bad feelings' mountain" ..

she wanted you to know why she couldnt be there anymore ..

she thuaght it wouldnt be fair to go without sayin goodbye..

goodbyes arent good, and they dont make it better , if sth is bad, nothing makes it better ...

she wonders why when sth is good , really good , tiny things can turn it upside down .. why do tiny bad things happen

Why did u have to do wt u did , that pushed her away

they were small actions she knows..but they meant alot to her

they waked up the chicken scared littel girl inside of her ..

they made her think it was gonna be bad forever..no matter how hard you both tried

they made her think she only had two choices , beeing sad or running ..

running sad as well..

but if she runs now , as sad as she is , she can control it ,

if she stays she doesnt know how painfull this can be

she doesnt know the limit it can reach

she keeps wondering if what she did was just a reaction on ur tiny bad things , bec she never took any action

or she's doing the right thing

she thinks and thinks and thinks till her brain stoppes in a point ..

a min ago she was sure about wt she 's doing like she's never been

now after doing this

she doesnt know if she 's right or totlay wrong ..

she should 've asked Allah , but u came 1st and surprised her by coming

u made her say it out loud ..

all the madness she was hiding , the stupidity even , the deep thinking , the confused ideas ..

it's all out loud now

if she says there 's no way to take it back ,she would be lying

ther's awlays a way back

and if she ever finds out she was wrong

she will say it

and she will say I am sorry

i just wish she could find out ..

deeeeeepression

2005-10-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

من اكتر الحاجات اللي تعباني ، كمية الاكتئاب الفظيعة على الانترنت.. مش عارفة النظرية صح و ا غلط بس الناس كلها بتدخل
awayاو علي اقل تقدير apperaing offline
ماحدش بقى ليه نفس يتكلم ..
و لو صادف و سألت حد ازيك حيقول
اهي
ماشية ..
عيشة و السلام
....
i tried to understand this ..
questions kept poping up in my mind ,
1st i thaught it was just me. means my friends got bored of me and they dindt wanna talk to me again
but i noticed that not just me..
and it's not just on the internet
i see depression everywhere
empty talks , empty laughs
empty people walakin around
robots , i dont feel life around anymore

as i write this i think i maybe miss-translated the whole scene
may be it's just me :)

غريب

2005-10-08T03:19:00.000-07:00

حاجة غريبة جدا ..

على قد ما كنت خلاص حتخنق من حبسة الكلام.. و ماصدقت لقيت حتة اكتب فيها براحتي، علي قد ما كل الكلام هرب مني .. يظهر و الله اعلم ان الظروف كانت على طول سامحة .. مش موضوع مدرسة و لا دروس و لا ثانوية و شغلة امتحانات.. الموضوع هو صوت اتعود على الحبسة لحد ما نسى انه اتخلق عشان يقول حاجات تانية غير التفاهة و الحواديت و النكت .. انا اقسمت على نفسي اني مش حبقى تافهة.. و انا ورا صوتي لحد ما يطلع

1st post

2005-09-10T05:02:00.001-07:00

hey 1st..

Long ago i used to write , but no body ever saw wt i wrote ,
i was too scared people wouldnt like it ,
got really scared that i kept all my thuaghts , sentenses , expressions and feelings of the words inside of me..
till i forgot how much i loved it...
wanna write again , i m not afraid about wt people think anymore..
bec this time i m writing bec i love writing ,
yet , it will be great if u read it , and comment about it :) ..

that's all

salam